Carry On, Soldier

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Niagara Falls seems to roar in my ears as I slowly try to stand up. Thousands of black spots crowd into my vision. Quickly leaning over, I tense my abdomen to try to keep from passing out.

The evening visitor who called me just moments before stands in the doorway of my dilapidated hut and chuckles. “See something interesting on the floor?” he asks with a grin.

I’m not amused. After being awake from midnight until 2 a.m. caring for an emergency patient, followed by a nonstop stream of people on my porch all day, each with some pressing need, I don’t have much humor left.

Carefully avoiding the rotten areas of the floor, I make my way to the porch and lean against the wall. After two rainy seasons, the posts supporting my house have started to give way. The whole house now leans downhill at a crazy angle forcing me to stand hunched over while the wall seems to bear down on me.

“What can I do for you?” I ask quietly.

“Well, you see it’s like this: My kids don’t like the food I brought home. Will you give me 500 pesos to buy something tasty for them?”

I sit down, trying to control my thoughts. I want to say, “Well, if you’d repay me for the three other times I loaned you money, and if you would deliver the roofing grass I bought from you a month ago, and if this weren’t the fifth time this week that you’ve come to me asking for money, then maybe I would be a little more sympathetic.” Instead, I take a deep breath and reply, “I’m sorry, I simply don’t have enough right now.”

“But my kids are crying,” he counters. “Just give me 300.”

“Sorry, I can’t,” I groan. My abdomen is beginning to cramp—a sensation that has become all too familiar over the last few months. From experience, I know I have less than a minute to get to a bathroom.

“Oh?” the man looks miffed. “You can’t?” He looks past me into my sagging hut. A single LED light I have rigged to run off a small solar panel hangs from a rafter. I can almost hear him thinking, He says he can’t give me money, but he has an electric light, and I don’t. It doesn’t matter that just yesterday this man spent his government welfare payment of 2,000 pesos on a wild spree of expensive restaurants, toys and cell phones. I have a light bulb, and he doesn’t; therefore I am culturally obligated to give him what he asks for.

“Please, just 100!” he tries again petulantly.

By this point I can barely hear him, the pain in my stomach is so intense. “Sorry, no,” I reply through gritted teeth. I’m not sure I’m going to make it to the bathroom.

Without another word, the man turns on his heel and walks away—a very rude gesture in this culture. Following him off the porch, I make a mad dash for the gulch. The only real bathroom in the village is 100 yards away. Its toilet hasn’t been flushed in two weeks because there hasn’t been any water in the village, but this hasn’t stopped the kids from filling the toilet bowl to overflowing.

I’m thankful it is nighttime and I can privately relieve myself in the gulch near the house rather than running a quarter mile to the nearest section of forest. It looks like I’ll have to start another course of the wretchedly bitter medicine prescribed for this particular type of gastrointestinal distress.

Half an hour later, I make my way back to my house, white as a sheet and trembling. A church member is waiting for me. “Brother,” he addresses me gravely, “I have something to say to you.”

“Say on,” I reply, curling up on the floor, too weak to sit.

“The entire church is angry at you and gossiping about you. You know the wood you hired Ernie to haul here to rebuild your house? Well, you gave the entire job to him instead of dividing it up a board or two to each person, so now everyone is mad at you and Ernie. That’s why no one would talk to you at prayer meeting earlier this evening. I just thought you ought to know.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

A look of sympathy comes into his eyes. “This is just the way we are,” he says with a laugh. “This is another one of the reasons all the other missionaries who came before you either gave up or failed to reach the Tawbuid. Remember? I’ve been telling you about them. Let’s see, there’s the one who left because of continual sickness, then there’s the one who left because of a moral failing. Another simply left—we don’t know why. Another got so sick of the people always using and abusing him that he cursed us all before leaving. Let’s see, another one . . .”

“I remember,” I say holding up my hand. “I distinctly remember each missionary who failed and the reasons why. Thank you.”

“Okay, brother,” the man says with a slightly worried look on his face. “Well, you must be tired. I’ll let you rest. Good night.”

The ever-present ants have started crawling around my face and up my pants, but I am too miserable to care. Suddenly, I am overcome by a wave of nausea, and my stomach empties.

This is ridiculous! I think to myself. What have I accomplished in the two years I’ve been here? I’ve saved some lives with my medicines, but for what? To continue on as they always have? I’ve helped unify the Adventist church in this village, bring them back to a foundation of Christ and start a missionary program, but has anything else happened? Every time we get close to a breakthrough, someone gets cold feet, someone else backs out because I won’t give him a water buffalo, or everyone just stays home because they don’t feel like getting up. Missionaries have been trying to reach the highland Tawbuid since the 1950s. What makes me think I’ll succeed where they failed? Maybe I should just call it quits and go somewhere else.

The darkness creeps in around me. An ant bites my cheek, and tears well up in my eyes. The highlanders don’t even want me here. They’ve tried their best from day one to kick me out. I know from watching veteran missionaries that these diseases, if allowed to continue recurring, will break my health permanently. Is it worth it? Why should I put myself through so much misery?

But deep down inside, I already know the answer. With no one but angels to witness, I whisper into the dark, moldy night. “I have made a vow. The Lord has unmistakably called me, from my sophomore year of high school until this day, to work for the salvation of the Tawbuid. I have vowed that I will not relent until the work is accomplished or the Lord removes me from it. Those who have gone before me have shown the way, and it is a bloody, painful way. But it is the only way the Tawbuid will be reached, the Tawbuid for whom Jesus Himself bled and died. This is the real reason why I am here. Jesus suffered more than I ever could to take away the curse I deserve and give me a life of eternal happiness. And He who so loved me said, ‘Take up the cross and follow Me’ (Mark 10:21). Once again, I vow never to give up, never to back down, so long as You give me the strength to endure.”

I feel no flood of peace, no sudden deliverance. The pain and nausea continue. But as the whisper leaves my lips, I seem to hear a voice say gently, “Carry on, soldier. Carry on.”

Comments

Grace and Peace to you from God the Father.

Since reading this article I began praying for you, the Tawbuid, the Alangan and the Project every morning! (Instead of once a week.) Every month I share your articles with my church members at Vespers and we pray for you. Although you do not know us, you are endeared in our hearts!

By Laurie Lee on September 06 2014, 3:24 pm

I read this and thought of you – hope it will encourage you:

But the gift of Christ reveals the Father’s heart. It testifies that the thoughts of God toward us are “thoughts of peace, and not of evil.” Jeremiah 29:11. It declares that while God’s hatred of sin is as strong as death, His love for the sinner is stronger than death. Having undertaken our redemption, He will spare nothing, however dear, which is necessary to the completion of His work. No truth essential to our salvation is withheld, no miracle of mercy is neglected, no divine agency is left unemployed. Favor is heaped upon favor, gift upon gift. The whole treasury of heaven is open to those He seeks to save. Having collected the riches of the universe, and laid open the resources of infinite power, He gives them all into the hands of Christ, and says, All these are for man. Use these gifts to convince him that there is no love greater than Mine in earth or heaven. His greatest happiness will be found in loving Me.  {DA 57.1} 


    Christ has given us no promise of help in bearing today the burdens of tomorrow. He has said, “My grace is sufficient for thee” (2 Corinthians 12:9); but, like the manna given in the wilderness, His grace is bestowed daily, for the day’s need. Like the hosts of Israel in their pilgrim life, we may find morning by morning the bread of heaven for the day’s supply.  {MB 101.1} 
    One day alone is ours, and during this day we are to live for God. For this one day we are to place in the hand of Christ, in solemn service, all our purposes and plans, casting all our care upon Him, for He careth for us. “I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” “In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength.” Jeremiah 29:11; Isaiah 30:15.  {MB 101.2} 

    The Lord in His providence had brought this trial upon Abraham to teach him lessons of submission, patience, and faith—lessons that were to be placed on record for the benefit of all who should afterward be called to endure affliction. God leads His children by a way that they know not, but He does not forget or cast off those who put their trust in Him. He permitted affliction to come upon Job, but He did not forsake him. He allowed the beloved John to be exiled to lonely Patmos, but the Son of God met him there, and his vision was filled with scenes of immortal glory. God permits trials to *****ail His people, that by their constancy and obedience they themselves may be spiritually enriched, and that their example may be a source of strength to others. “I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil.” Jeremiah 29:11. The very trials that task our faith most severely and make it seem that God has forsaken us, are to lead us closer to Christ, that we may lay all our burdens at His feet and experience the peace which He will give us in exchange.  {PP 129.2}

By Franklin on January 15 2015, 2:33 pm

When I read this article when it was originally published and ones near this one I could sense you were feeling very tired and discouraged.  I have been praying for you a lot since then.  When I get a magazine I always look to see if you have an article, how the work is going and how your spirits are holding up.  Although I am not a foreign missionary I do a lot of Bible work and know what it feels like to wonder if any good is actually being done.  But it is!  Don’t give up!  The battle belongs to the Lord! 
This article is en*****led “Carry on Soldier”.  Remember the story of Jehosaphat?  They didn’t have to fight, it was God’s strength that won the battle.  You are fighting but remember to do it with HIS strength.  I know this is so much easier to say when you are not actually in the situation but when you are tired, ask Him, not just for help, but to TAKE YOUR PLACE, to REPLACE your feelings with HIS strength and faith and peace.  Hold on!  The battle belongs to the Lord!

By In His Light on January 18 2015, 9:03 am

Hi John,

Just read your post and I was greatly moved. I’m praying for you John and yes, keep going, soldier!

Much love.

By mwape on March 06 2015, 1:13 pm

I read this last year and you have been on my mind off and on ever since.  I could tell you felt down and have been praying for God to give you strength.  I will start praying for the Tawbuid people themselves more too!  Somehow this was posted on my email again today and I re-read it.  Then I read a poem a friend wrote and sent me.  I thought you might like it as well:
By Dale Gordon:  It is all too easy to burst into anger and lash out at God when we don’t understand Him but just remember “now we see through a gl***** darkly…”  God loves us its just we don’t always understand His way of love.  Sometimes we have to stand on two feet and stop praying for God to hear us.  (Joshua 7:10)  And the LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face?

God wants us to obey His will not try to redirect God’s paths.  It is hard though because I look at situations in life now and I don’t see how any of this is possible.  How am I supposed to preach to people when I can’t even afford decent intranet service?

God provides water where there is none.

God gives light through His Son.

God built man out of dust.

God sharpens steel out of the rust.

He heals our iniquity.

God spit and the blind did see.

God restores what was lost.

Friend God knows what salvation cost.

With every drop of blood of the Great I AM.

Brings healing rain washed by the LAMB.

Though your sins of scarlet be

They are washed clean and captives are set free.

A mountain stands in your path.

A storm comes with angry wrath.

The earth quakes and rocks were rent.

All your earthly treasures they were spent.

God remolds your clay.

As your tears are swept away.

Our lives crumble and fall.

But our Saviour conquered all.

Trouble comes knocking on your door.

Satan attacks with war.

But keep your helmet on.

Quench the arrows till their gone.

With sword swinging well.

We trample through the gates of hell.

Nothing gets in our way.

We press on and make that devil pay.

God is still on your side.

Don’t give up and try to hide.

Lay your burdens at the throne.

We don’t fight this battle all alone.

When you are in doubt and feeling blue.

Just remember God’s Son died for you…

AMEN

By In His Light on March 10 2015, 12:16 am

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